Mamihlapinatapai

A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another,

they will fall for each other.

Maybe at the same time, maybe at the wrong time, maybe temporarily,

maybe too late, or maybe forever.

Stupid love post again.

Eh sial betul la! haha!

Friday, 30th December 2011

Lets be honest now shall we, this blog is now only a surviving piece of memory throughout the years. Yeah sure there are pictures and everything but i dunno, its different.

I spent the last hour or 2 or 3 haha browsing through my old posts in this blog. Truly, maturity has kicked in over the years. To be reading all those posts from years back, I cant believe it was actually me who actually wrote all those. At one point, I was absolutely sure I was hacked but the details written made me sure than it was undeniably, yours truly. :)

True, blogspot is really yesteryear but Im glad I made this blog. I've never had a diary or some sort of it so this blog exists as a written memories throughout my life. And the best part is, although how lame or funny the posts is, at one point of time in the past, it was actually YOU who wrote everything. haha so accept it! :)

Maturity has clearly kicked in me. To be honest, I miss the old 15 year old carefree me who started this blog out of sheer boredom due to fever. Bcos that guy's most highest worry would be: "All the homeworks due to my fever will kill me" and after 5 minutes it'll be : "oh well, fuck it!" Hahaha... But now, my whole future is laid in front of me for me to think: what degree should i take, would it be good career wise, is it gonna be worth it etc etc....

As you grow older, yeah, heavier responsibilities is laid upon you and you have to be very sensible in making your choices as it may affect your future. Deep inside, actually you're just a child, gambling to make big choices which you hope to be good for you.

Oh well.

OH! I just noticed from my past posts. Its all mostly been about girls haven't they? HAHA LOVE mannn, its what it does to ya.

LOVE. haha I'd rather look at it as a funny word. It can melt even the coldest person there ever is. Bcos of love, I have typed some of the most hillarious post there ever is in this blog. But at that point, that all seem so appropriate. I have used words that I wouldn't ever use in real life. Browsing through this blog have made me found these really unorthodox words! :

-divine intervention
-fate
-miracle
-overwhelm
-lucky
-defy gravity
-the right one
-risk
-eternity

AHAHAHAHAHA kill words that totally indicate your balls have melted due to love.

I did think damn, I should put down or just remove all these damn lame-ass posts but as my best friend once said to me "Its good to have it there, it serves as a reality check for you" I guess she's right. As she always is.

Honestly, I haven't really been a goodie yeah. Probably all the heartbreaks poured on lamely in this very blog was all well-deserved which at one point seemed very "unfair". :P I strongly believe in karma so yeah, there's nothing that you do that you dont deserve, even the bad things. Be sorry for what you've done wrong, but never regret it because at one point, it was exactly what you wanted.

I wouldn't say Im a better person now, Im still learning but Im definitely a better person than who I was.

Its almost the end of another year, I could say 2011 was a tough one but then again, nothing's ever to easy ey. im ending the year where I've finished my A-levels awaiting my results, a job that is reasonably rewarding, nieces and a nephew whom I love to bits, best physical shape I've been in years, great friends around, happy family, much closer to my best friend and also yeah, someone that usually appears in my wild dreams as a girlfriend. It wasn't such an easy journey this year but thankfully, all is good now. Thank god.

I really dont know how many are actually reading this blog or rather to say is there really anyone who visits this blog but I dont mind. Its just my personal space for thoughts anyway. The lesser people who know, the better. And besides, those who has this link or rather still remember it and visit are probably ones that i hold on to dearly so its okay. I appreciate it.

Really sorry if any of these dont make sense though. Thanks to kev, Im typing all these after a third glass of whiskey so all these might not make sense or sounds a bit cerebral.

All in. Thanks 2011. Its been great. Hope everything goes well for me and for everyone else in 2012.

Much love,
Firdaus Ruslan

Of your beautiful smile that I really like

RTJA. Well she's very sensitive about the hyphens so its actually
RTJ-A. :)

This one aint like any other because the whole story amuses me every single time I think about it. Until now, its amazing, even. :)

It all started last year when I saw who I thought was you at PBIM in december, running. I was in your class for one whole semester and the most we exchanged were smiles, and that was about everything.

To come from 2 different strangers for a whole semester to now is well, something a little short of a miracle or maybe i'd rather look at it as fate. Anyways, for seeing who I thought was you, I got to speak to you for the first time. From there on, we found a common ground : running. Until I decided to take a step further bcos I felt something, entirely different in myself ever since you came around. And I liked it, so much bcos it aint like any other. It felt new. I felt better, so much better.

Personally, I wasn't expecting much since well, we were very least likely to happen and it was against all odds anyway.

Since what happened in 2009 and the 12 months that it took to recover. I became very cautious in my every step, in my every approach. But I guess you really overwhelmed me. For someone who's been a still rock for about 2 years, what you had me felt was overwhelming. And I liked it bcos I was generally a better person, someone who I really wanted to be, when you came around.

Seeing who you are, I knew I had to be careful and be subtle in my every step and that was exactly what I did. And I enjoyed what we had bcos at one point, we were constantly texting, running marathons, messaged each other. It felt really nice bcos I got to see something in you that you've always kept concealed and dont show just anyone. In a way, I felt lucky bcos you showed me the side of you that kept me excited, every single time. That's why you never fail to make my day with even the small gestures you do or say.

Despite my best efforts, the inevitable came around. I guess you realized I wasn't the one for you or even close to being the one. But I dont blame you, our differences will only complicate things in the future. Maybe what happen now is for the best.

But Im going to be honest now, even having said that the future will look really challenging for us, I was ready to put my foot down and work for us. Bcos I guess what I felt was really that strong. I was prepared to make it work for us, to go thru every challenge there is ahead, to defy gravity. But I think only I was prepared, and I cant do it alone. You didn't want to do it.

I cant help it but think that you were afraid. Bcos you just left everything hanging. I didnt even know what I did wrong. Maybe it was bcos what I did was right that scared you. Maybe you were scared to proceed. Again, I dont blame you, you're new to all this. Prolly I wasn't worth the risk anyway. But who knew.

To think of it, divine intervention happened a lot between us to just leave it like this. Bcos you later told me it wasnt you who I saw. And I accidentally joined PBIM last year, so happen to see someone who I thought was you. Oh well.

We had a good few months but well, I just wasn't satisfied bcos it could've been longer and there's a lot more things that we could've had fun doing. I never thought I'd be this healthy if it wasn't for you in the very first place. I cant help thinking what if you took the risk. The thought of going against all odds with you looks really nice despite not knowing how the end of the journey looks like.

I am writing all this however, witha big smile on my face. Yeah it didn't end that well but, somehow I dont know what you did to me that kept me smiling everytime you came to my mind. And trust me, you're in my mind quite often. :)

Nah, Im not sad. Im just overwhelmly happy it happened, even if it was just for a little while. Bcos its been a long time since someone got me head over heels. The feeling's nice actually.

I know the feelings aint mutual and im prolly just syok sendiri but hey, im happy doing so, so who cares. :)

Thanks idol, RTJ-A. You'll always be that person who turned me into a much better person. Physically and Spiritually. Thanks for the memories. :)

Lonelyteddiebear. :)

Sometimes, you just dont know what to do anymore when everything you do isn't good enough. You start thinking you ain't worth it in the first place.

Sony w810i

Exams are over, so best? Yeap yeap but crap, holidays without vacations and still lotsa crap to do aint really holidays but oh well, at least a few worries are off the head.



Alright well, Im lucky enough today to have a quite free schedule on this very sunny wednesday afternoon. Since I've nothing much to do except laze at home, I decided to switch my old phone back, Emma, the white Sony W810i since a lot of anonymous numbers came in these past few weeks so yeah. And the fact that Im bad at names aint helping either. :)



DAMN THERE"S A LOT OF SHIT IN THERE!



Haha I changed phone so abruptly last year that I didnt even bother to transfer all those videos, pics and contacts inside there.



But yeah a year later, it was put back to life. Damn, and I always wondered how the craaaaaap I went haywire for about the whole year. I went to the inbox and I saw all the reasons why. From the 1st text tilllllllllllllllllll the last one.


And I got all my answers. No wonder lah aku jatuh gila babi! Message dia steam steam doh! Patut ah goyaaaaang! HAHAHAHA a lil part of me smiled, a lil part was sad, a lil part was a bit diisapointed, a lil part of me laughed, a lil part of me was thankful. All in, I was just merely out of words.


To see how it never had a fullstop, was just sad lah, and hard, but then again, from where I am right now, I see why it ended like that. At the end of last year, I placed the other half of the fullstop to the half that has always been there a year back.


As much as I wanna be angry about it, I just choose not to. At least not anymore. For sure, I used to be really angry and shit but who wouldn't lah. First time ah bro, mmg ah! :)


But from where I am right now, I just wanna say thank you, really, seriously. For showing me or rather making me experience what its like. Both ways. Truly, it was fun. I had a lot of fun during that time. A lot of stuffs were made easy for me. You pulled me out of a big crap. :)


Sure of course I hoped that things ended up nicely, siapa taknak kot! Tgk je la kau sekarang! Pergh! :P But I realized that my time was over, I guess thats how things work. Move on and on and on and on.


Im sorry to say this but, Im happy and glad that things didn't turn out well, from where you are right now, things would be really awful for us. So I guess its true kan, things happen for a reason. :)


Heh to be really honest, I've dated a few since then, but nothing came even close I think. And somehow I still think of you at times, very randomly. And whenever I do, despite how much I wanna call or hope your text or your call would come in, I just ended up smiling. Widely.


The most I could do was pull back that one picture I kept. And say :


"Hey, I miss you. And I hope you're doing well. I know you are"

And with a big smile on my face, closed the book, and move on. :)

Invictus

I was soundfully asleep last night till a text came in at 7 in the morning.

Then everything just kinda felt different. All those stuffs from 2 years back just came flooding in and yeah, the guilt was actually never washed away.

Things are the way they are for a reason, Mischief.

Did I ever wish things worked out?
Without doubt heck yeah. haha


Do I regret how things ended up?
Well a bit yeah but like I said in my textbook answer, it happens for a reason. trust me. ;)


Have you ever crossed my mind?
I know you assume that you dont but you do, how can you not when I keep you really close to me. trust me. ;)


I know you having able to count the times you've seen me sucks but its better like this and its also better if you dont know why. And im nt quoting bruno mars. ;)
Now things are no shit anymore, so I've set my priorities straight. trust meee. ;)
What we've had was priceless, Mischief. That never changed.

Circumstances might change but I want you to always know that Im just a call away okay.

Yeah. I miss you. Take care. Seriously.
:)

6th October - Deja Vu

There are days where its fun, sad, depressing, eventful but if you asked me to describe yesterday with one word- I cant.

Im lost with words. And you say Im good with words huh?

So check this:

-During break in college, someone I knew briefly came up to me and said 'you're in luck today'. I responded by saying 'Yes I am, I met you.' Haha I still got it but little did I knw that my day was still early

-After college, a bunch of us hit tutti frutti in bsc only to bump with the siblings there. As I was enjoying my tutti frutti, someone unfamilliar gave me a nice smile and waved. Being modest, I thought it wasn't for me but as she got closer, it was Vera. I was lost for words. After what 4? 5 years of texting and IM's and surprise parcels and phone calls, I finally met her.

-It was a pleasant surprise. She looked very pretty in person. I was so shocked, I was gushing like an idiot. Apparently I didnt realize until the whole family and also the guys told me. Haha what can I say, it was unexpected. I dont think we'd ever hang out, better off like this ey? Haha Im just hoping for a lot more bumps into you, Vera. Or glamourly called, smallie. :)

-As I was driving back from Bsc with Yana, she told me 2 words, 'why not?'. haha ass!

-1.45am in the morning when I was studying, Evon my kindergarden mate from Australia texted me, 'Hey I dreamt of you, whatever you wanna do, do it okay, you'll be fine, miss you lots'



WHAAAAAAAAAAAT????

This is scary. But oh wells, we'll see how it goes.

On top of my effin head.

-Reese's peanut butter cup chocolates
-Hard Rock shirt
-Spain world cup champs jersey
-Ray Ban shades
-Giordano ladies jacket
-Engraved docktag
-Eve of 17th July
-DKNY apple delicious perfume
-Strawberry tasted lips
-Ribbons
-Warehouse dress
-Tutti Fruti
-Slow Dance
-Instantaneous dates
-Hugh Grant's character in Notting Hill
-The Beatle's she loves you
-Singing partner
-Ooooh, butter chicken
-AS Trials
-The phone call
-The text



If its not bcos of my believe in everything happens for a reason, I would've really wish I could go back to this time last year and enjoy the companionship I once had.

Screw it.

Oh hang on, nahh screew it! :P

It was great to see the Johannians back. It was just great bcos in the end of the day you know that those faces are the faces you went through shit together for 5 freaking years.




Compare how I influence you during your exams and how he influence you during your exams.
A big ass difference.
Maybe you're more hardworking now who knows ey?
I wish you all the best and all the happiness in the world yo. :)




I miss ND, come back to me soon, you give strength to my two balls. :)
Sem break soon!
HELL FREAKING YES! :)

Broken Strings

TOO many addictions. Its seriously unhealthy. :)


It tears me up.
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much,
I tried to forgive but its not enough,
To make it all okay


You cant play on broken strings,
You cant feel anything,
That your heart dont want to feel,
I cant tell you something that aint real,


The truth hurts and lies worse,
How can I give anymore,
When I love you a little less than before.


Running back through the fire,
When there's nothing left to save,
Its like chasing the very last train,
When we both know its too late.


Let me hold you even for the last time.





Awesome! :)

GE-LI! :P

GLEEE!!! HAHAHAHAHA


We're going to open up a glee team soon yeah guys??? HAHAHA

Pavillion, Kuala Lumpur

I tried avoiding Pavillion like hell for obvious reasons :)
Yesterday spent the whole day with Sya to get her new college outfits there.
Other than it was crowded with lifeless school kids, :P it was a great day out


We went to a lot of stores but I remembered Parkson and Tangs so well
Then we had Jco and and bought bread at BreadTalk
And we just left our money for drinks at the kiosk outside BreadTalk bcos there was no one at the counter
Then had Carlos', cant believe I let her shisha in front of me! Underage! :P



Until I realized, Im seeing things, from 3 months ago at the same stores doing the same things but with a different person :(
I was just simply walking down memory lane without realizing it


And it HIT me!



It . Wasn't . The . Same




I miss what used to be.
She is one of a kind.
Im glad to have met her.
But oh well,
Complications, Restrictions and Changes.






I just miss her. Is all.

Chicka

I first saw you at my bestest bud's friendster and decided I just had to know you.
I was thirteen.
You were the first girl I ever went for since starting high school.
And you're not even near my school.
I made an effort to know you from the net.
I was undoubtedly very lucky indeed when you gave it a chance to get to know me.
Lots of texts and chats then.
We shared quite alot.


It's now 6 years later,
And it's strange how I haven't really met you,
Except for a few lucky bumps into here and there,
And I feel like I know you well,
Its just Im not that lucky enough for a meet,
Despite all that,
I still waited for you, wooow
I amaze myself,
There's something in you that is so different that I really like,
You're so adorable it's killing me... :P



Then, you said you cant stand being with a guy for too long,
Scared the crap out of me,
HAHAHAHA,
You cease to make me smile with even the smallest gestures or things you do or say,



I reaaaally hope you'd give me a chance yeah,
Just one,
Only ONE,
Then you can ignore me if you think Im boring,
Please?
I wont bite,
I PROMISE! :) :) :)

Turn Around

The Awesome wing-man, double date agent, my half fly brother, RAEZ gave me the turn around today when I was on the phone with him just now...

After much ranting..... this is what he concluded :



RAEZ : Well brov, when she's famous one day soon. You can be the only asshole who can say you've slept with her! Damn, I wish I were you!



DAMN, the mofo's right. :)


On other news, he promised me a few dates when I'm back soon. SPM la idiot! Go and study!


Screw it.

ELEKTRA! Nopee, just ERIKA! :)

HI! Its been quite a while ey?? My fb cacat la, I just deleted some friends and BOOM! A lot kinda went lost... Tak perasan wei!! SORRY la... :)


Anyway Im in love! I ada BUAH HATI! :)
Nama dia ERIKA! You can call her MISS Erika!
And yes, she came all the way to see me! Not like you! and you! eh eh, you too!
Haha no biggie la....


You dont know what it feels like to see someone familliar waking you up okay, dengan manjanya! After what it feels like forever since I've seen familliar faces! :)


So YEAH! We fell in love today... After endless talk of updating each other and how stuffs have been awesome and shitsnitz... Saya dilamun cintaaa!! Haha poyooo!



One thing I really love about Erika : Her very very caring nature and of course she meant it when she said she'd be there for me regardless.... I've heard a lot of that but never really seen it in action... Haha words words words, people shold stop misusing them! :P



And of course, there's thousands of stuffs I love abt her but dunno where to start! But yeah, I really like how she'd stop what she's up to to talk to me if I was in trouble... I dont expect any "Eh Im busy, I'll talk to you later" and call back the next day with her.. DAYMM! Haha she always say "Heeyy you, give me 2 secs ey"... Although its actually 2mins, but yeah! Our hours of talks are just priceless eh?


Too bad come my prom she was in Perth. :(
But we had fun study sessions eh? And also watching Talentime! :) :) :)
OH YEAH! She helped me changed my truck tyres when got this loser punctured it! :) :)
She knows tools okay! Extraordinary girl, man! :) :) :)


And nope, you guys dont know her! That's the best part! Haha you cant talk bad abt her! :P


I LOVE YOU ERIKAAAA!!!!! And I'm watching you, making my hot choc + marshmellow in the kitchen waiting to use my laptop! haha

and yeah, this is a dangerous love affair. :P


:) :) :)

12.33pm-KL 4.33am-London

COD2 : Modern Warfare... I blame that game for the time Im sleeping right now..


I got good news from THE Nabila today! Hell yeah, I've a Valentine's day date with my best friend. You're gonna fall for me, nabs.. I'm warning ya. ;)





Just did my routine calls around everyone... You are definitely not worth saving for the last call..

Be careful yeah, your culture shock changed all your principals
As much as I regard you highly, I'm now utterly disgusted yo
You're easily distracted, I just hope it wouldn't ruin you this time yeah

Remember what you went there for, that's all Im saying...





Words of wisdom for this week:
When things fall apart, the clown will run away and the one who's there in the first place is.....gone

Think about it yo ;)

Dua ribu sepuluh!

I quote Ashley Spencer :

"You're too perverted to be an asian, you know"



I quote the perverted asian :

"Well, prepared to be surprised, love"




HAHA lovin it. :)

4.37am

Sometimes I wonder why am I doing this to myself

How can I be in this position in the first place

You obviously didn't care about me like how you used to

And I miss how you did

Because you gave me the world

Cant help thinking that you were just trying get something from me

How could you?

Were you faking everything?

It all felt so real

All those words you spoke

All those promises you made

All those hope you gave me

All the love you comfort me with

It all just seem so clear now

When everything's over

You got what you wanted

I'm left alone

You don't even care what's about to happen

Congratulations I must say

You really had me

I put you on top of everything else

Even when I've realized all this

I still hope for you

How did you do it

I cant hate you

Because I'm thinking its okay for me to get hurt

I dont want you to get hurt

Even after all those things you did

It's best that you don't even try and contact me again

I don't think you will anyway

For you, I may just be another person that come and go

But to me

You're the sweetest memory I ever had

And it remains

Only as memories

Now I have to get over you

And it's so hard

I cant even delete your texts

God help me through this...............

3.48am - I'm still thinking of you

I dont really know love
I didnt know it would come to me like this
My heart doesnt act like it wants to in front of my love

If I knew I was going to be like this,
I wouldn’t have started in the first place
Like a fool, I am regretting this late

I wished that you wouldnt be my love
I wished that it wouldnt be you
You deceited me, telling me that its not love

I hoped that it would be a passing by fate
Because painful wounds will be left on me
But even when I know this, I am still greedy
It keeps getting me sad

I thought that it was a wrong start
I thought so easily
I believed that I could always call you

What should I do?
Where did it go wrong?
I need to avoid this love
But I yearn for everything about you

I wished that you wouldnt be my love
I wished that it wouldnt be you
You deceited me, telling me that its not love

I hoped that it would be a passing by fate
Because painful wounds will be left on me
But even when I know this, I am still greedy
It keeps getting me sad

Now if its not you, there is no meaning to anything
I can’t contain myself anymore
The fact that I have to erase you
Today again,

It makes it even more hard..

Fucked Up

I didnt mean to be rude to you

But it's the only way to make you hate me

When you hate me, it'll be much easier for me to forget all about you

And it'll be much easier for you to forget all the nice things I did for you







I want to have a proper goodbye with you

But I'm afraid I won't let go of your hands if I do

I'm afraid you'd ask me to stay

But I so badly want to hear you ask me to stay

Because I will

Still I have to go, to stop hurting myself





I wanted so much to tell you everything

But I realized real life isn't movies where everything becomes okay in the end

And I'm afraid you'd hate me for it



I wish I didn't get close to you in the first place

I wish I didn't fall for you that night

I wish I didn't have to go



What am I joking

Of course you'll be fine by yourself

It doesn't make a difference if I'm not around anyway

But you should know

Your absence will make all the difference in my life








I'm sorry I have to go

I wanna call you but you currently hate me now

Let's leave it like that

And pretend I never existed

It's for the best





I love you

But you'll never know it

I'm sorry I cant tell you

So take of yourself

Goodbye.........